Monday, December 12, 2011

The Bad Rat Pledge

  • I will not graze on the carpet.
  • It is not considered "cool" to beat up rats smaller than myself.
  • There is no need to steal treats from others when I am given one of equal size of my own.
  • I will not leave raisins on the sofa for unsuspecting human butts.
  • Pots are for growing plants in, not digging up.
  • I will refrain from climbing down the blouses of female visitors.
  • There is no nutritional value in used tissues.
  • Chewing on electrical cords is not fun, even if it elicits such an enthusiastic response from my human.
  • Peeing on the remote control does not give me the right to choose the tv channel, nor does it endear myself to my humans so that they turn the tv off & play with me.
  • I will not develop a foam mining enterprise in my humans mattress.
  • Unlike their favourite old t-shirt, peeing on their crisp newly ironed white business shirt as they leave for work will not elicit a loving response.
  • Licking my goolies in public is considered a faux pas.
  • I will not create a fake massacre scene in my cage when I eat red foods.
  • Barbering others is nothing more than gratuitous graffiti.
  • I will not start a game of hide & seek every time my human calls me back to my cage.
  • If I was meant to eat recycled paper pellets, they would be placed in my food bowl rather than my litter tray.
  • I will endure a bath like the calm, dignified rodent I am.
  • Bath time means a bath, not a chance to jump out and eat the soap.
  • I will do my best not to tread in squishy raisins and trample them all over the house & my human.
  • I will not find amusement in nipping my cage mates butt as he exits the hammock.
  • Adding urine to my water does not make it taste better.
  • When my human lets me out after completing their 100 page assignment, I will refrain from exploring the Delete key.
  • Chewing of cage wires does not elicit a favourable response from my human.
  • When dinner is being served, I will control myself and share with my cage mates in a sensible fashion.
  • I will go about my night-time business in respectful silence.
  • When I don't want to go home to the cage yet, I will not wedge myself under immovable furniture.
  • I will not give my human a heart attack by sleeping soundly with my eyes open.
  • Human saliva is not a tasty treat.
  • I am not qualified to give my human a manicure, pedicure, ear cleaning, nose cleaning, or dental exam.
  • I will not try to run off to the boy rats' cage at every possible chance.
  • The newspaper that lines my shelf does not need to be shredded to bits and thrown out the cage bars.
  • I do not need to pee on the magazine my human is reading, even if it is "yellow journalism".
  • My human lovingly hand-crafted this cozy hammock for me... so I must not pee in it, poop in it, eat staining foods in it, or chew six holes in it.
  • I will refrain from sofa spelunking.
  • I will not squeak in bloody terror when my human is trying to give me medicine & I will certainly not spit it out afterwards.
  • I will not climb the curtains & play along the curtain rod just out of reach of my human.
  • Band-Aids are there for a purpose and are not to be removed without permission.
  • I will not sit on top of the boys' cage when I am in heat & flap my ears coyly to drive them insane.
  • I will not teach my offspring to be as bad as I am.
  • I will not climb into the printer, scanner or paper shredder, especially when it is on. That also goes for the washing machine, clothes dryer, microwave, fridge & dishwasher.
  • I will refrain from jumping into my human's coffee mug & then walking coffee prints all over the table.
  • My food is placed in my own bowl, not on my humans dinner plate.
  • I will not throw bedding out of my cage at the cat.
  • When the dog barks at me & sticks its nose into my cage, I will not stoop to his level & bite him... after all, he's just a big stupid beast and doesn't know any better.
  • I will not bite my human's earrings, especially when she is wearing them.
  • Humping my cagemates is not an acceptable outlet for sexual frustration.
  • I will choose a more appropriate place than the litter tray to wrestle with my cage mate.
  • Chewing small holes in blankets, towels, clothes, bedcovers, etc is not appreciated as "ratty lace".
  • Socked toes are not fair game.
  • I will eat all the skins of my fresh foods rather than scatter them all over the cage.
  • I will use my cage brick to keep my claws blunt, not as a honing tool for precision sharpness.
  • Diving down my humans shirt & scratching them with my nails just to hear them squeal is not an acceptable game.
  • Free range time is a privilege, not a right.
  • Begging for another treat after stashing the first one does not fool my human.
  • I will try to remember to groom my tail... at least once a year.
  • When visiting the vet, I will conduct myself with decorum.
  • It's rarely ever wise to chew a hammock hook while lazing in it.
  • I will not tunnel under my bedding & knock all my toys, cage mates & food bowls over.
  • Yoghurt drops are to be eaten in moderation, so I will refrain from begging for them 24 hours a day.
  • When I'm working with my human in a PR capacity, I will not pee on, chew the clothes of, poop on, bite, sniff embarrassing body parts of, scratch the skin of, or otherwise deter those who might be interested in having rats as pets.
  • I will stash anything I get my hands on in a location known and accessible to my human.
  • It is not considered polite to take food from my humans mouth.
  • I will strike perfect statuesque poses every time the camera lens points in my direction.
  • I will refrain from flaunting my enormous torpedoes at anatomically inadequate human male visitors.
  • Just because my owners fingers smell like avocado does not mean they are edible.
  • I will not attempt to mate with the rat girls through their cage bars.
  • Candles are for humans, I must not eat the wax.
  • I will endure my humans cuddling, belly kissing & smoochy baby talk with stoic dignity.
  • If I simply must chew something, I will opt for one of the countless expensive chew toys my human provides for me that lie around like abandoned relics in my cage.
  • I will not demand avocado and smoked salmon for dinner every night.
  • My human does not approve of kisses immediately after I've groomed my butt.
  • I will not look all angelic while my human is attempting to reprimand me.
  • My human provides me with lots of toys, I do not need to play with other household items.
  • I will not cling to that spot between my humans shoulder blades where I cannot be removed without assistance.
  • I must remember that human skin simply does not have the traction required for vertical climbs.
  • Sneaking up on the family cat and biting his tail is not considered good form.
  • I will not sniff humans breath, then turn around and sniff my goolies for comparison.
  • I will refrain from climbing into the popcorn bag until my owner has had a chance to taste it.
  • I will not eat, threaten to eat, bite, groom excessively, spindle, mutilate, or otherwise terrorise my new cagemates.
  • Walking down one level of my cage to use the litter tray is not inconvenient. Besides, it's good exercise for me.
  • I will not pee in my dry food mix.
  • Water bowls are not provided for tail washing, dangling balls in or as a repository for unwanted lab blocks.
  • I understand that my human must spend time on the computer instead of playing with me & will therefore not chew through the mouse cord to get attention any chance I get.
  • I will not resort to maniacal blood-letting with my cage mates over inconsequential things like inequality in treat size, use of the nest box, or who gets to go out the cage door first at free range time.
  • I will not poop uncontrollably in front of strangers.
  • I will not hump one of my cage mates when my human has visitors so my human gets asked embarrassing questions like, "Did you know your rats are mating?" so s/he has to explain why girl rats do this to one another.
  • Peeing all over myself & my cage mates does not make us smell irresistible.
  • When called, my cage mates and I will return home after free range time in a prompt & orderly fashion.
  • I will not make so much racket in my cage at night by throwing various toys etc about & give our human heart failure because s/he thinks there are burglars in the house & then look innocent when our human gets up to check.
  • Paper towels are not rat food.
  • When conversing with other rats, I will not refer to my human as "The Rat Slave".
  • I will not stare forlornly at my human, nose pressed through the bars of the cage, when she is having dinner & make her feel guilty so we get most of what she was eating.
  • I will not.... I will not...

  • Ah, stuff it, I'll do whatever the heck I want to do, because my human doesn't believe there is such a thing as a 'bad' rat & even if I destroy things of great value or behave in a terribly embarrassing way (including using guests as a urinal), s/he's just going to say 'awwwww' and give us extra avocado treats & tummy kisses!

    Thanks to The Dapper Rat


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